Letting our children be children

“A child’s world is fresh and new and beautiful… full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood. If I had influence with the good  fairly who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life as an unfailing antidote against the boredom and disenchantments of later years, the sterile preoccupation with things that are artificial, the alienation from the sources of our strength.” Rachel Carson- From “The Sense of Wonder”

Since the last time I wrote life has gone by quickly. We have been in three cities (Greensboro, Denver and Salt Lake City) and I have almost completed teaching two 400 level psychology courses. Life gets busy, we don’t take in the wonder of the day and I often forget to sit back and enjoy the creation around me… which includes processing and sharing my life lessons on here… so I am going to try and be better 🙂

Last night Dave and I were talking about our children and their progress. He made the comment that Holland started off quickly in her learning and absorption of information and she has somewhat plateaued from there. This observation hurt my pride as a mother, I felt like he was attacking my ability to guide and teach our children… I also knew he was right. Holland started off saying her alphabet by the time she was 21 months old and was counting to 20 before she was two. But, she has kind of lost interest in all things academic and wants to play… a lot. She imagines all day long. I put her food in a bowl on the ground because she wants to be a dog, she dreams of being a fire-breathing dragon, she plays in the sand for hours and rolls down hills. She does not want to sit at the table and work on her letters, or even draw…

After Dave’s comment I was not only hurt but I was a little frantic… should I make her work on lesson plans? Should I implement more learning time? Should I make her sit and learn? I try my best to turn every day activities into learning times… but should I force it? Should I take away some of the play, some of the creative mind in order to make Holland into more of an academic (which sounds so ridiculous for a four year old).

The answer is NO… I should not do that. I should not take away Holland’s amazing ability to imagine and create. She can create elaborate worlds and characters from a few rocks and a pile of sand, that is a beautiful thing. She has the rest of her life to sit in a classroom and learn… I need to let her play while she has the chance… give her the encouragement in her natural ability to imagine and create.

Also, if I am telling Holland that she is lovable and worthy just the way God made her, am I not sending mixed messages if I try and fit her into my box of overachieving and trying to force her to read by the time she is 4 and 1/2 or 5.

Right now Holland is a creative, wild, imaginative and passionate four-year-old girl. I want to encourage her in her gifts and that means that I pretend to be a dragon right along with her… I put my bowl on the ground and we eat together… we imagine, we create and we PLAY.

Patience

I have a type A personality… I like to have a plan, consistency, I like to know what is going to happen and that all fits in with control, and I guess I could do another full month on that topic 🙂

But… I think that patience fits in with releasing control SO much.

When I was 20 I worked at a camp called Beyond Malibu. Here I am :):

Beyond Malibu is a Young Life camp… but it isn’t a normal Young Life camp. It is a camp where kids come and go on week long hiking trips through the mountains of British Columbia. We use ice axes, biff bags, tents, backpacks… pack in pack out is the motto! All of the food is with you at the start. Beyond ain’t no RV camping trip, that is for sure.

I worked at base camp mostly doing the office work and laundry for the guides. Base camp consisted of several houses with no electricity, no running water and no toilets. (The kitchen did have a faucet and there was a non-heated shower). I didn’t shave my legs the entire summer if that gives you the idea about how cold the shower actually was.

The people at Beyond are/were incredible… I had never been around such a diverse group in my twenty years. I had the naieve concept that everyone had a plan, stuck to the plan and that life fell into place. It was here that I learned that life is not that clear cut or consistent. Many of the guides were older, the staff ranged in age from college to 50+.

It was here I learned about the seasons of life. I had never put much thought into this concept… that life had seasons. I thought of my life as a series of goals and accomplishments and that everything would run together and work out accordingly.

But, there is a time for everything:

Ecclesiastes 3

 ¹ There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens: ² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

The people with whom I had the pleasure of spending that summer taught me that life is full of seasons. They didn’t have things figured out… many of them spent seasons at beyond, seasons at another camp, seasons doing odd jobs: but they were always searching for God’s meaning in those seasons rather than looking at them as holding patterns.

That is the key!

I could have looked at these past two years as a holding pattern. I knew that God was taking us on a journey and I didn’t know what the end result would be. I still don’t know. As we enter into a season of going into the Interim Manager program I am diving in: FULLY.

I am having the patience to know that God has a plan but hopefully the wisdom to know that God is using each season. We could potentially be in another two years of transition. That is scary to me as someone with a type A personality. I want to know the plan, I like consistency. But, God is saying to me: TRUST ME IN THE SEASONS.

Right now I am just praying for patience to wait on the Lord. I am trusting that He has control of our lives and I know that as long as I am fully investing for His kingdom, no matter where we are, that He will bless that.

Thanks for letting me share what has been on my heart.

Oh, and enjoy more of the beauty of Beyond:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

Sibling rivalry…

Holland has a sweet heart… don’t get me wrong. She is a kind-hearted, precious little girl and I love her deeply. But, she is MEAN to her brother.

This morning I reached my breaking point. She was dressing up in her princess clothes and Hudson wanted to dress up too. He brought me a dress and I put it on him and Holland tried twice to take it off and I told her no. I stepped out of the room to get my camera and when I came back she had him half-way out of the dress with it over his head and he was bent down with his head touching the floor, screaming.

I lost it. I started yelling at her to “STOP!, STOP HITTING, BITING, KICKING, SCRATCHING, PUSHING, SHOVING AND ABUSING YOUR BROTHER!!”

Holland of course was upset that I was yelling at her and it defeated the entire purpose of me making the incident a teaching/disipline moment. I ruinied it… and it got me thinking: How much responsibility do Dave and I hold in Holland and Hudson getting along?

Hudson loves his sister… anywhere she goes, he wants to be… if she is playing dress up, he wants to play. If she is drawing, he wants to draw. If she is jumping on the trampoline, he wants to jump. You get the picture. But, Holland is constantly annoyed with him and is consistently mean to him.

Starting in Genesis 4 siblings had their issues, to put it mildly. This chapter is preceded by Genesis 3: The Fall. Adam and Eve had their own issues, obviously.

But, the most interesting sibling example in the Bible, to me, is Jacob and Esau. In Genesis 25 the boys are together and Esau gives away his birthright for a bowl of stew. This is between them: Jacob manipulated Esau and Esau didn’t really care about his birthright.

BUT… in chapter 26 the parents get involved. Rebekah manipulates the situation for Jacob to recieve the blessing from Isaac instead of Esau.
What happens next: Two nations Judah and Edom were at odds with one another for years and years after that.

The brothers already had enough issues: The parents exaggerated those issues by playing favorites and things got WAY out of hand. (although God said it would be so… the simple point is that the parents contributed to the sibling rivalry)

I think that both of those examples show that the parents do have responsiblity for their chidren’s relationship, at least in part.
If Adam and Eve hadn’t been preoccupied with their own sin and getting kicked out of the garden and all, maybe they could have focused more on their children.
If Rebecca hadn’t manipulated to have her favoirte recieve the blessing maybe two nations wouldn’t have spent years and years bitterly fighting.

I can’t always control how Holland responds to Hudson… but I can control my response. I can be patient with her, kind with her and firm with her. I can show her how she should treat her brother by treating her with the same respect and consistency that I want to see from her: NOT yelling and loosing my temper.

I am consistently seeking wisdom on this subject and I KNOW I don’t have it even close to figured out. But, I think that starting with realizing what my responsibility is in their relationship is a good place.

I cannot show favoritism and I need to treat my children as individuals. I read an excellent post on parenting that talks about how parenting isn’t always fair. You can read it here:
http://www.pensieve.me/2011/11/forget-trying-to-love-your-children-equally.html

I don’t think that treating my children “fairly” is key. But, I think that loving them equally as individuals will help with sibling rivalry. When Holland is being mean, I have to remember that I LOVE her :). I have to remember that she is only three years old. I have to remember that God is teaching me through parenting Holland and Hudson as individuals and as siblings. He is showing me how much it hurts Him when I am unloving to one of His children. I still have a lot to learn but I hope that I am able to internalize these lessons so that it helps me parent my own children and show kindness to others as well.

I’m Back :)…

I posted my grades for my History of Philosophy/Psychology class this morning and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The class was incredibly writing intensive towards the end and with over 20 students and over 60 papers to grade in the last two weeks I have been a little overwhelmed. But… I have a break from class until January and I am excited to start writing more and reading some fun books 🙂

If you have any suggestions let me know!

Day 31

Thank you for going on this journey with me.

Today I was thinking about patience, self-control and release. This verse came to mind:

Proverbs 16:32

Better a patient person than a warrior,
one with self-control than one who takes a city.

Better a patient person… wait on the Lord… release control to Him and your plans will succeed because they will be HIS plans.

Day 30: Resting

I can’t believe that it has almost been 31 days!

I have learned a lot about myself in the past month, I guess that was kind of the point… even if no one read my posts, for me to reflect on what God is teaching me. So, hopefully someone has gleaned something from my journey along the way.

Today I have boxes in my room, the hall, the den and the garage. I wanted to start a gradual packing process. I kept thinking about the boxes during church… this is normal for me. If things are out of place or incomplete I can’t concentrate. But, I came home… graded my papers and now I am going to write and NOT worry about the boxes. They aren’t in the way, they are in the corner and I have plenty of time to pack them.

Controlling the every day is just a symptom of the big picture: me trying to control the future.

I am letting the boxes sit… I can patiently wait until Dave has time to help me and until I can get into the kids rooms when they aren’t napping. I don’t have to do them today. While this is not good advice for a procrastinator, it is good advice for me.

I can be patient. I can wait on God. I don’t have to have the answers today. I don’t have to pack the boxes today. I can rest in Him today.

Day 29: Releasing control…

Today I made pancakes for breakfast. I like to clean as I go and maintain control over the kitchen.

Holland had different plans for me. She has started to want to “help” every time she sees me baking. I don’t want to be a mean mom so I let her touch the measuring cup as I pour the milk. But, what am I afraid of? Why don’t I just let her help!? Holland loves to be with me. She loves to think she is helping… why don’t I just give that to her.

I was convicted today as my daughter was sitting there begging me to help her bake. I have to release control… not only for me but for her. I can’t allow myself to be held back by fear of a messy kitchen.

What will I regret more in a few weeks, a month, a year… that I let her make a mess or that I stifled her creativity and our time together?

Update

Dave did not get a placement right away… it is good and bad at the same time. I know he would love to go ahead and get the show on the road, but this will give us a bit more time to transition.

He will either be placed on December 1st or January 1st. (no later than those dates) and they always do the placements on the first of the month… at least that is what they told him. Who knows, it could change! I have decided that I am going to expect the unexpected.

So, we have at least another month, maybe two in the boro :). Which I am happy for… I will get to finish out the holidays here and Holland can leave preschool at the semester. It will be a good thing.

So… we are just waiting patiently!

Day 28: Release and trust

My children are fearless bundles of energy. Hudson especially. He loves to go on the 5-9 year old playground equipment… in fact, he scoffs at the younger child equipment and hates the baby swing. He only wants to be in the big swing and go down the highest slide.

The other day we were at the park and he walked up to an opening and before I knew it one foot was going forward and he was letting himself drop. He looked at me and smiled. I ran as fast as I could and was able to catch him before he face planted from four feet up (which is REALLY high for my little man).

I was scared he was going to fall… but he didn’t seem to mind and it didn’t seem to phase him that he had just let himself freefall from more than three times his own height. He trusts me. He trusted that I would catch him even if he let himself freefall of the playground equipment.

When do I allow myself to freefall with God? Do I grasp onto the monkey bars, hold on to the rails and refuse to go down the slide just because I want to hang on to control of my life?

God has been teaching me about taking leaps of faith. Dave is about to finish up interim manager training and will either get an assignment or will come home and work until he gets an assignment.

We don’t know. We don’t know what is going to happen and that is scary. We could be moving next week or next month. Things are uncertain. But, in the uncertainty of this leap I know that God is there. He is faithful and He is trustworthy.

Day 27: Authenticity and control

The other day I was at the park with a friend. We decided it was time to head home so we went to put our kids in our respective cars which were both parked on the street about twenty feet from one another. I went to put Hudson in the car first and out of the corner of my eye I saw Holland hovering around the trees at the edge of the park. Before I knew it she had her underwear and skirt around her ankles and was peeing basically on the side of the road. So, what did I do?

I stuck my head further inside the car and pretended that I didn’t see my daughter peeing. I could see my friend about to say something to me, so when I about thought Holland was done, I looked to my left and acted shocked and appauled that my daughter was peeing. My friend nodded in agreement and was happy that I had finally seen the horrid occurance ;).

What was really going on inside my head when I glanced to the left and saw Holland was on the edge of pulling her pants down:

“I really don’t want her to have an accident in the car seat and I want to go to the bank on the way home so it would be much easier if she just peed here. I will just stick my head inside the car so my friend doesn’t think that I am letting her pee on the side of the road. So, then it will be convenient and I won’t seem like a bad mom… yeah, that is a good idea.”

Why do we care what people think? We do… every day, we dress for others, we cater to others, we try and please others. We try and control how we are perceived. That is fine as long as we are being authentic. What happens when we aren’t though?? Was I being authentic?… not even close. I was trying to seem like I teach my child to use an indoor restroom when clearly that is not an expectation for the Taplin family :).

I am not a people pleaser… but, even me… the “I don’t care what others think” girl does care. I do care… I want people to like me, I want people to think I am worthy of their friendship, I want to be someone who is respected and liked back.

Authenticity in relationship is scary. It requires releasing control over our masks… over the facade of our best self and allowing others to see us for who we truly are.

Do you have people with whom you can be truly authentic?